all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
