I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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