I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So vagazzling was a success
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
