Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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