Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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