dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Vodka?
Forever.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
