Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
