That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
