hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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