So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
