the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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