This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
