i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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