I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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