TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
