My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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