I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
