i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
