dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
