it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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