i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
