i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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