We got so high we made milksteak
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
