I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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