News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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