Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
