dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
