"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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