Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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