i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
