I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
