I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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