You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
