I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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