my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
