people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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