first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
