My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
