Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
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