Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
