Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
