if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
