She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
