I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
