Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Come see our sink grown plant.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
