So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
did i just pee glitter
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
