He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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