My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
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