Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
