Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
