Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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