what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
